sweet little things

the smell of thangsgiving dinner...with a little too much sage

pimento cheese and bologna sandwiches
and fried bologna sandwiches

red solo cups
flowers in a hanging basket

old porch swing
sitting on the picnic table
shooting at old cars...

puppies
flannel
kerosene

refrigerator magnets
knitted hand towels
penny jars
sweet tea
pastures unending
old shaggy make out barns
dead end dirt roads

these are just some of the things that remind me of my dad...
great memories!!!!!

timeless

if i could go back in time and change ONLY ONE THING, i would have went to dean smiths house december 19, 1998 - period!

coat

i know this will probably be weird to some people but, it makes sense to me.

the day that daddy died, i was sitting on his bed holding his coat. my grip was so tight and i was covering my face with it, crying!
i kept smelling him.
i could smell the paint, the deodorant, old spice and just him.

i took the coat with me. and everyday i would hold it and smell it. i dont know why really but it seemed to make me feel better, like he was sitting there with me.

december 20th will be 10 years.... and i have kept that coat all these years.
i have worn it in the snow and cold. i have held it over my head to keep the rain from getting my hair wet. and in all this time, all these years... i can still smell him!

but the other day i had to wash it.
and now his scent is gone!

i am so sad!

i just really miss him, ya know!?

in memory of...

Christmas Tree

You sounded a little angry with me
Before we said good-bye
I knew it's because you weren't feeling well
But you didn't have to lie

You said you were ok
At 6:30 that night
But really you lied to me
You knew you weren't alright

I should have known it too
I just wasn't thinking too clear
I was waiting for some friends to come over
To spread some Holiday cheer

The only thing I remember that day
Was the conversation between you and I
Because I was spreading Holiday cheer
Smoking dope, getting high

I do remember telling my friends
What if my dad dies tonight?
They just said to me, "You shouldn't think like that
Your dad will be alright."

So I brushed off that thought
And continued on, getting high
My dad was just a little sick
But he wasn't going to die!


I carried on with my day
Planning to visit dad tomorrow
Little did I know
That day would be filled with sorrow

That morning when I woke up
Someone called my phone
It was my step mom, she was crying
"Lisa, your daddy's gone!"

You can't imagine the shock
Or the pain I felt inside
As emptiness consumed me, I wished
That it were me who died

When I got home later that night
All I could do was cry
I should have went to see my dad
Instead I chose to get high

How selfish I am, I hate myself
Nothing makes sense to me
I can't have Christmas without my dad
So I tore down the Christmas tree!

I hate Christmastime
I'm so scared and afraid
This is the price I have to pay
For the decision that I made

My dad was sick, he needed me
And I just let him die
I will never forgive myself
Cause I had to get high

Well time has passed and things have changed
It's already been a year
But I still can't put up the Christmas tree
Or spread Christmas cheer

Christmas still comes every year
And I get really sad
The lights, the gifts, the music
It means NOTHING without you dad!

Now eight years have passed
And more things have changed for me
Now I have another dad
He died too, you see

Through His death he gave me life
Now things are more clear
And it's not the lights, gifts or music
That makes the Holiday cheer

All the love He bestowed upon us
Was proven at the cross
He brings me comfort and great peace
When I am at a loss

I spoke with Him the other day
About this Christmas "fear"
I want to lay it down so much
And restore my Christmas cheer

My precious daddy, there's one more thing
I want to say before I go
This one thing is real important
And I need for you to know

I can do all things
Through Christ who strengthens me
I'm not afraid anymore
I even put up the Christmas tree

In Loving Memory
Harold Dean Smith
I miss you daddy!

Dads Never Leave

Although my dad is gone, I know that he is always with me. No, not his ghost, but just the memories that I have of him. Those memories are not all good, but they are mine and no one can take them from me. I sometimes can smell him. I know that must seem a little weird, but its true. He had this scent, kinda like old spice and paint. He worked for Charlotte Paint Co. for many many years, and he loved his job. He was a lot of fun to be around (for the most part). He was a rough man though, he loved to fight. His nose had been broke 11 times. the last time he done it to himself (long story). He loved his liquor. He drank over a fifth of Lord Calvert EVERYDAY. But above all else he loved his kids. He had 5 including Brandy. She wasnt really his but he had leagal custody of her. She called him "daddy". Sometimes I was a little jealous of that. I was such a "daddy's girl".

I remember so well the day he died... I just woke and went to piddle, when the phone rang. My now ex-husband answered. It was for me, of coarse. It was my step mom. She said to me, crying hysterically, "Your daddy is gone!" and that did't register with me. I replied, in shock, "What do you mean, he's gone?" She said, "He's dead!" and I didnt know how to respond to that. I was overwhelmed with disbelief and sadness. I asked her what happened and she told me that she didnt know.

The rest of that day was ONE of the worst days of my life. It was December 20th. His present was wrapped under the tree. The next 2-3 days to follow were even harder. Just trying to accept the fact that this was it.

I cried less and less and I visited his grave less and less, but I thought of him every day of my life and I still do. And some of the memories are not so fun, but most of them are wonderful! And given the fact that I have the opportunity to think about him and remember every little thing about him, makes me realize that DADS NEVER LEAVE!
In Loving Memory of HAROLD DEAN SMITH 7/16/43 - 12/20/98
I Love You Daddy,
your baby girl .... Lisa